my life on maui was okay. it was boring because i didn't have a partner like i do here. ive always wanted to move to vegas because i want to experience whats out there and especially that it was cheaper to live. although i never expected to feel this way. i don't know if its because im pregnant and im going through all these emotions. when i think about it i'd rather be in hawaii. i really miss my family especially my mom the most. when i came here the ss and dmv makes things so difficult for me. this pregnancy makes me feel so tired and lazy and that's why im out of work  for 2 weeks now. i really need to get income because now capital one is giving us problems. its like we're living off check to check. this sucks. we've got  lots of bills especially me everything is under my name. i need to get a job. i actually decided to forget about my dream house in vegas. and move back to hawaii in 10 years. its just a thought. all i know is that when i pay off the suv i want(sequoia or denali) ill be moving out of this place. 

anyways i got home after 11 last night because my mom was talking alot after the prayer last night. my honey and i were not in good terms because we didnt talk much yesterday. well we are ok now. belle woke me up around 4 am because she needed to borrow cash for brandon's dui. well i went to safeway to pick up my eye medicine because its been 7 days and it's still there. i didn't buy it last tuesday because i figured it would go away by this weekend. i was wrong so i just paid the $20 for my antibiotic. anyways if ever i get it again i can still use the medicine until next year. well i decided to go to pacsun at shops at wailea because i really wanted to get the roxy makeup case and i finally did. it cost me almost $39. oh well, i came home and i ate lunch watched ATL on dvd. went on my pc to look for jobs/cars. belle picked me up for church and we were 5 min late. we went to pandas to eat dinner and she told me the story about what happened. its messed up! anyways, i got home by 730 and talked to him. he's sleeping on the phone after 30 min that we talked. i stayed home tonight because i wanted to talk to him or else he will be upset that id rather be out with my family than talk to him. im so glad that im off tomorrow because i have so much too do. i have laundry, clean/pack up in my room, clean the bathroom and chevy tahoe. i have my dr.appt and i have to make phone calls. i still have important things to take care before i go. i have 7 more days here. ive been procrastinating on updating my resume. ill just stay home this week to catch up. ill spend time wit my family on friday and saturday. then im off to vegas finally. im excited and happy and nervous. this is a new life a better one and its all because of my honey. well its 916pm and i dont know if i should watch a dvd or stay on the pc. oh well thats all for now.

i should be sleeping now, but im up because im burning a dvd. i should have done that earlier but anyway. my honey is on the phone sleeping and snoring so loud as always. he's such a hardworking man. i miss him and i love him so much. i wish i was there with him to see him in the morning and be with him at night. im so bloated right now because i have mines. i hate periods. i have been steady with my weight since for a few months now. i just need to do some crunches. my stomach looks awful. anyways, my eye stye is finally healing. i really want it to go away because it looks gross and im blind in that eye. anyways, if this dvd is not done by 12 im just going to sleep. i have to wake him up at 6 am there. i hope that he doesnt work as much when im living there. i want to spend as much time with him. i love my honey so very much. im so blessed and thankful to the lord for bringing us together. he makes me so happy and loved and no matter what happens well get through it. the good and the bad. most of it will be good i hope. anyways, i want to buy a few things for myself that i wanted and here's my list. a JLO fur hood jacket, roxy makeup case, roxy backpack and maybe roxy slippers. since i love design, im into nail art. so before i fly up, im going to do my manicure and pedicure on my own. i have so much to do. sometimes i get lost and do something else when i should be focused on what i need to do. im a lazy girl sometimes, especially after work. i like to work but waking up early to go to work is what i dont like. 

damn it everything i typed up got erased. i hate when that happens. anyways, im home on halloween night. i usually go with my cousins and their kids but i didn't want to drive  becuz gas is low. it looks like its going to rain and i feel alone. if i could move to vegas with him now i would. i just can't go there with debts burdening me. and i need my job to pay that off and save just in case i dont get a job that soon. i have to get one when im there because i will need to pay bills and medical. im thinking after the treatment so hopefully by april i can move there. i pray that he will still be there waiting for me. i really need to find a happy place. im not happy right now. im confused. im lost. i just want to be normal again. i know for sure i can pay off my cc1 in december. so thats one goal completed. xmas is coming up and i have to spend money. i want to make use of my paid leave hours at work before i move. i want to sell my car before sept2007 so i dont have to pay for registration or inspection. i really want to leave in april. i can't stand to live here at home without ac. i know vegas will be much hotter but at least there's ac. its already 8pm and he has not called me. i think he's sleeping. i know he wasnt feeling good and he's tired. i understand. he will call me later though. i know him. i don't know whats happening to my skin on my face. im breakin out with pimps. it's awful. it must be the chocolate and the greasy food or maybe using the same old sponge on my powder. anyways, im going to pack and clean. im going to the airport in 2 nights. im so excited. although it sucks to travel alone.

i feel so rushed. a part of me wants to know how i will feel after my trip. all i know is that im not going to move this year. i will be strong and move next year. i really want to take care of my things here especially my health and finances.

i have 5 to 6 months to clean up everything. when i fly up to vegas for one week next year maybe in february or my bday in march. im going to bring 2 luggages of my things.

in 13 days ill be in vegas with my honey. after 4 and half months of talking we are finally going to be together. im excited to see him, nervous to meet the future inlaws and scared of what will happen after. i know for sure that i will be moving to vegas next year. i want to start my new life with him. im tired of my boring life here at home. i would love for him to be here but then i would want our own place because my room is too small for us. if i wanted to make my dreams come true. it could happen if i choose to make it happen. to be married at 25, have a baby and our own place. it could still happen for me next year because of him. i am so thankful to the lord for bringing him into my life and giving me a second chance to be in love again. i am so blessed and happy. i love him and i can't wait to be with him. my whole life will change and be better because i have changed and i want to be better for him. 

there is something that he doesn't know but i didn't lie to him i just didn't tell him. that is my maiden name. i want to tell him but im going to wait when i am with him in november. i know he'll be sad and upset that i kept it from him. i told myself that i wll change it when i get remarried. if he ask why did i keep it.well , i kept it because i thought we would get back together in the future but that's not going to happen because i want to be with him, his last name is better than mines. and  just don't like my names together because it sounds ugly and fob.when i do have his child. it will be s.i. and his last name. and when i do get remarried i will change my name to a.s.i. and his last name and change my signature. just the initials asim.  anything is possible. it could be good or be bad between us. i  just never know what will happen. ive accepted alot of things about him. how we met, what his interests are, where he's from,. its because of how he makes me feel and the person that ive gotten to know is why i love him. i prayed to god for someone like him to come into my life who will be faithful, accept me, share my dreams with, love and care for me have been answered. i thank god each day for him because he makes me happy in my heart and i finally know how it feels to fall in love once again. 

i woke up around 9 and i had a good nite's sleep. i slept early though. anyways, i ate breakfast. still doing my laundry. when im done with that, im going to shower and head to the store for a few hours. i talked to him and i found out a few things about him that made me think about the future plans we made. i still want to go but i don't know about that. i would want to but then i dont want to because im not financially ready and i want to be with him through the whole time. and he can't be here. im not really ready to move but my feelings change though so im confused. so i just had my lunch and im just resting. ill go get ready and leave for the store soon. i really dont like this weather. its cloudy and humid. i seriously need to change my life. especially my eating habits. i need to lose 10 lbs. im getting fat and i dont like it. anyways, im going to get ready now. i need to get out of my house for a lil bit and come home and clean clean clean.

so i was early to work today. we moved our stuffs into our new place i was at work i got to the bank late because i had to wait for my computer set up. i left work  around 745. i can't believe that the past called me at work and now. i text my honey and called him but he's not answering me. hes sleeping i think. i miss him. im bored so thats why im talking to my past. i've decided this year im not going to the fair. im going to save my money and be away from crowds. anyways, i really wanted to get a 2nd job on the weekends but im going to vegas on november but maybe ill try. ill fax my resume tomorrow. im so tired. but i can't sleep without talking to him. i answered his call this morning and i called him while i was driving home from work. that was it. i called him around 730 but i guess he fell asleep. i know he's tired from work and he's up late talking to me. its his choice for staying up so late. im just going to watch tv and go to sleep. im tired plus i want to accomplish a lot this weekend. 

we have been talking for over 4 months. and im finally going to see him sooner than i expected. the sooner the better of course. anyways, today i woke up around 10 and had my coffee. ate watch tv. did my laundry. talked to him. i know i wasn't going out so i finally decided to workout on the treadmill for 20 min. so i did and im glad i have my ipod. i couldn't do 300 crunches because i didn't really have food in me. anyways, i've been wanting to visit lisa and jonah because i bought him milk and bottles to help her out w/the baby. anyways, i called lisa and told her that im going to visit her. but first i went to wendys to buy salad fries and coke. so i did. went to lisa house and stay for awhile and i talked to him. he sounded sad and upset because we couldn't talk because im hangin out w/my cousins. so around 830 went to dora house and chill till almost 1230. i was calling him because i missed his text and i text him back and called him like 5 times around 10. i had no response. i was sad and worried about him. maybe he's sleeping or he's out. i came home and i couldn't sleep it's almost 130. im here typing in my journal because i haven't done this for awhile. last night jase actually called me. we only talked for like 5 min. im not going to call him. why should i. i have someone in my life that i dont wanna lose. i didn't tell him that he called because i know it will hurt him. i don't love jase or want to call him or any guy because i really care about him. im happy god answered my prayers which was i'd hope and pray for someone to come in to my life that will make me feel loved and happy. but i told myself that i will be patient this time. i am. i used to blog at livejournal and i just remembered what my cousins and i talked about earlier. on how they read my journal online about my issues on my marriage. so i decided to log on and find out when i wrote it and what was said. im hoping i didn't delete it. when i look back in the past, when i lived in NC, my life was much boring than here at home. i would stay up late, be on the computer doing my graphics design, reading and surfing the web, always blogging, im like a nerd. i really miss him right now. it will be better once i get up tomorrow morning. i can't sleep but i should because my back and eyes are getting sore. i really wish we could be together. i hope that wen we are finally with each other that it will be right and this time it will be different better and it will definitely last forever. i want it too. i've overlooked that part of how we actually met. the little things like he's not from here and some of the things he's interested in. but i've accepted for who he is and what he does and his interests and thats why i really care about him. i know that if god brings us together it will last. because i've grown up, i'm older now, i've changed, i'll be with a better person and a better place so i don't want to let him go. the future plans were making are just words right now but i know it will be reality and i'll be so happy and truly blessed because god finally brought me to him.
its 2am already i should go to bed. anyways, if it's him that im going to be with i really want my life to change for the better. i don't want to be like this. i want to be happy and have something to look forward to everyday. i don't want to do what i do here at home. just work, come home, nap, watch tv, eat and go on my pc. i want to come home to him, our kids, cook dinner, talk about our day, watch tv or a movie at home and sleep early. life will not be a routine with him because of that. ill be so happy. im tired of this boring life. im here for financial reasons and i have to be patient with him. love is patient. love takes time.

so i came home around after 3 this morn. slept by 4. woke up by 12. i finally made coffee and it was good. dipped w/3 toasted pandesal. then i ate rice and bacon since i missed breakfast. anyways, i did my laundry. he was sad because i was out last night. i went to church tonight belle picked me up w/damien by 530. went home and ate saimin for dinner. i accomplished 2 things this weekend. i got rid of the kanji sticker on friday night and got my TFC to work on my dvr on saturday morning. now i can record my shows and workout.  i have to or i'll just have to go back to my old diet which is snacking for dinner. i have 6 months to lose 10 lbs. i know i can do it. anyways, we finally looked at the same star at the same time tonight. altough i couldn't really see it. im getting blind. anyways, we talked and i finally said i love u. i do love him but i can't say that its strong as he feels for me right now. im happy that he's in my life and i hope he'll always be there no matter what. well it's now 1020 im going to bed after i detox.